My husband is agnostic. He believes that people have souls and that there is a creator of some sort, but that he doesn't know what form that creator takes. So, in a sense he has more faith than I do at this point in my journey. Where we differ, though, is that he has no interest in pursuing the issue any further. About a month ago, I told my husband that I really wanted to start believing in God and that I was trying to figure out how. My husband responded with, "why?" He said that if God exists, he does whether I believe in him or not, so why not just live my life?
My husband is a great man and in a lot of ways, I'd say he's a much better person than I am. He is honest to a fault (I don't even ask him how I look unless I'm prepared to get the answer), generous, and kind. He has a great moral compass, and always does what he feels is right no matter what it costs him and even if no one is watching. If God is a loving and forgiving God, then I can't believe that God will send good people like my husband to hell just because they don't believe in him, so my search for faith isn't about finding a way to heaven.
And really, I don't think my day to day existence will change much if I did find my faith. I already try to live a good life. I also have the luxury of going into this search married and in my mid-30s. Perhaps in my college days God might have put a hamper on some of my activities, but I'm much past all of that now. I don't need religion to tell me how to live a good, wholesome life.
I also don't need a magical wish dispenser (although I have to say having one would be nice). I'm actually at a time in my life when I have everything I've ever wanted in life. I have a wonderful family with a loving husband and two perfect children. I have great supportive extended family and friends. I have a good job that I enjoy. I have a beautiful home, and we can afford to do some fun things now and then. It's not a material need that I'm lacking.
I think the thing that I most envy in faithful people is their FAITH. They believe that there is always someone watching over them. When things don't go as THEY planned, they believe that things must be going according to some greater plan. I can see how that would add so much peace to life. There would always be someone else to turn to, to take the responsibility. What a relief that must be. Of course, that's also the scariest prospect of faith for me. I don't like the thought of losing control of my own life. I'm an American, after all. We're taught that freedom is the most important right. But I suppose if God really is in control, does it really matter what I believe? He'll still be in control either way, but I don't get the added benefit of the peace that might bring me if I don't believe.
So, I suppose what Steve says is true. If God does exist, my belief in him does nothing to change God. It only changes me.
Yen, it it with great sadness and love that I see you are struggling with your faith. I can see in your heart that you have a great desire to know and love God, but you do not want it to be forced onto you. And I know God does not want anyone to be forced to love Him. I ask that you continue to keep an open mind and an open heart, and to ask God to enter into your heart; to help you take that leap of faith so you can learn to know Him and to love Him truly and completely. Continue to read the Bible and let Jesus speak to you. Next time in Church, make a short trip to the tabernacle where the Eucharist is kept. You probably were taught growing up that the Eucharist is the true presence of Jesus. I ask that you go there and speak to Jesus directly, as if He is sitting there in front of you---because He is truly there right in front of you. Open your heart to Him, talk to Him as a daughter would talk to her father. Ask him a question. You would be surprised how God would answer you. Keep on knocking--and Jesus will open the door. I will pray for you.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Anh Linh