Why seek God at all?

My husband is agnostic. He believes that people have souls and that there is a creator of some sort, but that he doesn't know what form that creator takes. So, in a sense he has more faith than I do at this point in my journey. Where we differ, though, is that he has no interest in pursuing the issue any further. About a month ago, I told my husband that I really wanted to start believing in God and that I was trying to figure out how. My husband responded with, "why?" He said that if God exists, he does whether I believe in him or not, so why not just live my life?

My husband is a great man and in a lot of ways, I'd say he's a much better person than I am. He is honest to a fault (I don't even ask him how I look unless I'm prepared to get the answer), generous, and kind. He has a great moral compass, and always does what he feels is right no matter what it costs him and even if no one is watching. If God is a loving and forgiving God, then I can't believe that God will send good people like my husband to hell just because they don't believe in him, so my search for faith isn't about finding a way to heaven.

And really, I don't think my day to day existence will change much if I did find my faith. I already try to live a good life. I also have the luxury of going into this search married and in my mid-30s. Perhaps in my college days God might have put a hamper on some of my activities, but I'm much past all of that now. I don't need religion to tell me how to live a good, wholesome life.

I also don't need a magical wish dispenser (although I have to say having one would be nice). I'm actually at a time in my life when I have everything I've ever wanted in life. I have a wonderful family with a loving husband and two perfect children. I have great supportive extended family and friends. I have a good job that I enjoy. I have a beautiful home, and we can afford to do some fun things now and then. It's not a material need that I'm lacking.

I think the thing that I most envy in faithful people is their FAITH. They believe that there is always someone watching over them. When things don't go as THEY planned, they believe that things must be going according to some greater plan. I can see how that would add so much peace to life. There would always be someone else to turn to, to take the responsibility. What a relief that must be. Of course, that's also the scariest prospect of faith for me. I don't like the thought of losing control of my own life. I'm an American, after all. We're taught that freedom is the most important right. But I suppose if God really is in control, does it really matter what I believe? He'll still be in control either way, but I don't get the added benefit of the peace that might bring me if I don't believe.

So, I suppose what Steve says is true. If God does exist, my belief in him does nothing to change God. It only changes me.

Humility

I hear a lot of atheists say that God was a creation of man to make himself feel better about death, that only simple-minded people believe in God. I was mulling this over when I remembered an anthropology class I took once in college. The professor said that man's belief in gods was a sign of human evolution. The fact that man could believe in something so abstract was a sign that his mind was progressing, that he could think at higher levels. And it occurred to me that maybe I was getting things backwards. When my sons were very little, things that were out of sight were out of mind. Peek-a-boo was fun because when you hid something, they literally thought it was gone. You were a magician when you removed the blanket from their toy and made it reappear. Children can only grasp things that are concrete. It is the more developed mind that can grasp the abstract. And so maybe the people who can believe in God even though they can't see him or hear him or feel him are the more intelligent ones.

So, I'm starting to realize I need to approach my search for God with more humility. I am not smarter than the billions of people throughout history who have had faith. Some of the most brilliant people to have ever walked this earth believed in God, and even on my most delusional day, I can't claim to come even near to their intelligence. So, I've realized I need to approach my search with both an open heart and an open mind.

After my last blog post, I resolved to start going to mass every week again. I figured that even if I thought I wasn't going to get anything out of it, I needed to at least give it a chance. I hate missing out on the family time since my husband still won't go with me, but I think it's actually good for our family. It gives Steve an hour to himself (I take the kids with me), and I find the hour sitting in church peaceful if not that enlightening yet. 

I also picked up a copy of the Bible after church a couple weeks ago. When I had asked my friend about how to find God, she told me that one of the first places to start was to read the Bible. I had mentioned that I had been reading some articles on religion, but she likened that to reading only Star Trek fan fiction and not watching the actual show (we're both nerds like that). I realized that I had never actually read the Bible except for the readings at church, so, like I said, I picked up a copy. She had recommended starting with the New Testament, so I did. So far, it's much more interesting than I had thought it would be, and I was reminded as to why I always preferred the New Testament to the Old. I always liked Jesus' message of love and forgiveness. 

I'm also starting to wonder if maybe God is already starting to try to reveal himself to me. You might notice that there is a bit of a gap between my last post and this one. When I started this blog not so long ago, I was really in a phase when I was thinking about religion a lot. I was reading what I could about God, I was asking other people about their belief in God, and the subject was on my mind a lot. But of course, other things come up, and I started to lose focus. I was still reading my Bible and I went to mass, but it certainly wasn't on my mind as much. Then, about a week ago, my family got into a religious debate on our family email list, and it got me focused on thinking about God and religion again. Maybe the fact that I happened to send my son to Catholic school, the fact that I started meeting other Catholic parents there, this debate on my family email list--maybe those things aren't coincidences after all.

I still can't claim that I truly believe in God again just yet, but I'm keeping an open mind and heart.